


chew you up and spit you out

by a-waste-of-time-and-hot-glue (falloutboiruto)



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Angst and Humor, Crack, Dysfunctional Relationships, Ficlet, Hate Sex, Other, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, They/Them Pronouns for Envy (Fullmetal Alchemist), Unsafe AND extremely bad sex, Verbal Humiliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:08:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23892097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falloutboiruto/pseuds/a-waste-of-time-and-hot-glue
Summary: Envy and Kimblee somehow decide to boink. Unsurprisingly, it doesn't go very well.
Relationships: Envy/Zolf J. Kimblee
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	chew you up and spit you out

**Author's Note:**

> sensitive readers beware that this might be an uncomfortable read.  
> title from: bubblegum bitch by marina and the diamonds  
> beta read by @reaperduckling

If Envy had to rank humans on a numbered list, their number 1 was Kimblee. But he was still very, _very_ annoying.

“Pfft—You really think humans eat potatoes raw?” Kimblee taunted. “Nah, potatoes need to be cooked. Seems like _you_ need to do more research.”

They were in Kimblee’s hotel room, sitting in opposing armchairs. Envy had come over to give Kimblee information about his new mission, but that conversation had gotten… derailed…

”Ok, I may not know much about human cooking. But I know everything there is to know about _you_. For example, your full name is Zolf J. Kimblee," Envy said, just before getting sidetracked. “Ugh, by the way; what kind of a name is _Zolf_? It’s stupid.”

“You’re literally named _Envy,_ ” Kimblee countered. “I don’t think you have much room to talk.”

“Ok, well then, Zolf _Jellybean_ Kimblee—“

"—My middle name isn't Jellybean—"

“Well, it is now! In general, humans are disgusting. Especially you.” They paused, tilted their head to the side. “But something about you is still slightly interesting.”

Kimblee fixed them with a partway bored, partway amused look. “Again, I think you of all people calling me disgusting is the pot calling the kettle black.”

Then, Envy had a thought. A disastrous thought, but fascinating nonetheless.

“Well, let’s be disgusting together! I have been curious about human sexual functions, and I can shapeshift into anyone you want. It’s perfect.”

Kimblee stared at them silently, in shock, for what seemed like ages. "You can't be serious—" he mumbled, before snorting with suppressed laughter. He then started cackling like a possessed hyena, complete with slapping his leg in tact with his diaphragm compressions. Finally, he wheezed: “That sounds… awful. Let’s do it!”

-

Said and done, they moved to the bed of the hotel room. It was an awkward few minutes before Kimblee started trying to kiss them. That made it even more awkward. Envy pulled away and made a dissatisfied noise.

“Yeah, no. Don’t do that.” They removed their shorts as quickly as possible and of course, when they looked back, Kimblee had barely gotten started. “Do I have to do everything myself?” They asked, and moved to undress him(/physically rip his fancy suit off him).

After a few moments, they were positioned in a way that made Envy at least feel a little bit like in control. They were just about to sink down on Kimblee’s dick(somehow he was rock hard even with the absence of foreplay) when they remembered something.

“Wait. Did you want me to shapeshift into someone else?” Envy asked. They were just in their default form, a muscular yet androgynous twink. The question hung in the air for a moment, and Kimblee swallowed audibly before answering.

“…no. I think you’re really hot like this.”

Envy rolled their eyes. “Yeah yeah, whatever. Let’s just get this over with.”

"Wait." Kimblee put a hand to Envy's chest. They'd rather he didn't. "Do we need to use protection?"

"You can't get me pregnant just because what I'm currently packing, you idiot. Can I get on with it?"

"That wasn't what I was thinking. Whatever. Yes, you can. And you—” A gasp, a moan. “—were the one to suggest this in the first place.”

"Shut up." Envy started rocking their hips, which worked great for a while until Kimblee started feeling their body up. It made Envy’s skin crawl.

”Don’t touch me,” Envy snapped, slapping Kimblee’s hands away from their thighs. But, his hands scrambled to touch the part of their stomach exposed by their crop top, gently holding onto the contracting muscles. Which, somehow felt more intimate than having his dick inside them, why wouldn’t he get the hint? Envy took Kimblee’s hands by his wrists and pinned them to the sheets of the creaking bed.

“Stop. Trying. To make this mushy,” Envy sneered into his ear. Kimblee responded only with a soft noise and a staggering thrust of his hips. Then, he went still. Coupled with a very nasty wet feeling now inside them, Envy assumed that meant that this farce was over and rolled off him. Ugh, sticky. They started putting their shorts back on but was stopped by Kimblee’s clammy hand reaching out towards them.

“ _What_?”

Kimblee was uncharacteristically hesitant. “Don’t you want me to touch you too?”

“Have you been listening? _No_. Ugh, cover yourself up, you look disgusting.” They didn’t even glance back at him. If it was because of genuine nausea or fear, they didn’t know (and definitely didn’t want to know).

From the sounds of it, Kimblee scrambled to put his clothes back on. Envy gave him a customary 5 minutes to wash up until they’d return to discuss Kimblee’s upcoming mission.

Ugh, this had been the worst decision ever. How utterly disgusting and _human_ of Kimblee to agree to it, of all things. Envy never wanted to speak of it ever again.

And they never did.

The End

**Author's Note:**

> if you've enjoyed this, please leave me kudos and comments.


End file.
